Friday, January 30, 2009

Top 20 Chuck Norris Facts

To cheer you up :)

20. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

19. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

18. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

17. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

16. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

15. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

14. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

13. Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

12. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names
for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

9. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

8. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

7. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

6. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

5. Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

4. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

3. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

2. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

1. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Drink Olympics

20 Categories of drinks, each given a medal for what they accomplished or didn't

Best Juice
Bronze: Lemonade
Not juice in the truest sense, but pretty great.

Silver: Orange Juice

Gold: Apple Cider
Beats out apple juice by quite a bit. Goes well with donuts, yum.

Worst Juice
Bronze: Grape
This was a close one for me. Grape juice isn't that bad as you could probably make worse juices from other fruit, but it really has nothing going for it.

Silver: Grapefruit
I hate grapefruit, so this is disgusting.

Gold: Prune

Best Summer Drink
Bronze: Tang
There is nothing like powdered OJ during a hot day.

Silver: Hawaiian Punch
Want some nice Hawaiian Punch? Sure! (Wham)

Gold: Sunny D
Artificial OJ loaded up the patoie with sugar.

Healthiest Drink
Bronze: Cranberry Juice
All kinds of health benefits, you should drink when you're sick.

Silver: Milk
Does a body good. Nice source of calcium.

Gold: H2O
I'm 90% sure that 70% of the body is made up of water. Also, 100% of all statistics are made up.

Best Frozen Drink
Bronze: ICEE

Silver: Slushi
Thank you come again, oh thats Squishi...

Gold: Slurpee

Best Hot Drink
May not be on here with the exception of cookie tea. Though I haven't tried it, it must be awesome.
Bronze: Tea/Cookie Tea

Silver: Hot Chocolate

Gold: Coffee

Best Drink for Runnin a Race
Bronze: Gatorade
Not only tastes better, it quenches your thirst better.

Silver: Powerade

Gold: All Sport
They don't make this stuff anymore, but holy cow was it awesome. It would be my drink of choice for sure for exercising. Lemon Lime was the best.

Funnest Drink
Bronze: Capri Sun
Opening the package is half the experience.

Silver: Squeeze It
Squeeze the fun out of it would imply it's loaded with fun.

Gold: Burple
Out of stock accordion like drink was just as fun to play with as it was to drink. You just needed to add water.

Best Tasting Medicine
Bronze: Robitussin
Makes getting a cough fun.

Silver: Cherry Blast

Gold: Bubble Gum
Mmm pink bubble gum stuff is dreamy...

Best Specialized Drink
Bronze: Vernors
Very good when you crave ginger ale. Don't know what food it goes with though.

Silver: Diet Pepsi Max
My own personal choice. Good when you don't want calories, but want caffine. The ginseng makes it taste reasonable.

Gold: Cherry Coke
Perfect for the movie theatre. Goes great with popcorn.

Best Energy Drink
Bronze: Red Bull
The original ED, the first one I ever had kept me up all night.

Silver: Monster
Very good in a small dose. Too syrupy too drink too much. Works though.

Gold: Amp
Very smoothe, with a little bit of a mountain dewey taste.

Best Cow Product Drink
Bronze: Half and Half
Can't drink much by itself, but great in those little shot packages.

Silver: Egg Nog
Great for Christmas time. It really depends on what brand you buy. The last one I had was good, so I have a favorable lasting impression.

Gold: Milk Shake
Chocolate or Vanilla, Strawberries okay. All terrific, depends what you are in the mood for.

Best Alcoholic Drink
Bronze: Wine
Just okay, but better than mixed drinks and other crazy hardcore drinks.

Silver: Schmirnoff Ice
I'd probably drink this if I wasn't afraid of my manhood being put in question. One summer I was drinking these pretty good though. Tastes great, it'll get you drunk.

Gold: Beer
Tastes worse but goes with most food better. More alkehol.

Best Shot
Bronze: Incredible Hulk
With Hypnotiq and some other stuff you would think it would be awful, but it's great.

Silver: Superman
Tastes just like Superman ice cream. Yum...yum...

Gold: Oatmeal Cookie
My favorite shot, tastes like...wait for it...a cookie!

Worst Drink
Bronze: Gin
Absolute poison. Shouldn't be consumed. I would rather drink Everclear.

Silver: Mountain Dew Code Red
The first Mountain Dew spin off, a disgrace to Mountain Dew everywhere.

Gold: V8
Ugh, vegetable juice is the worst thing ever.

Cheapest Pop (Best Faygo)
Bronze: Red Pop

Silver: Orange Pop

Gold: Rock and Rye

Best Non Caffinated Pop
Bronze: Sprite

Silver: 7-Up
Tastes really good diet.

Gold: Root Beer
Amazing with ice-cream.

Best Caffinated Pop
All three of these change positions with me quite often. This is just how I have them as of this moment.
Bronze: Dr. Pepper

Silver: Pepsi

Gold: Coke

Nostalgia (Best No Longer Made)
Bronze: Surge
Kind of like a Moon Mist, Vault combination. It was good.

Silver: Josta
A combination of angels and red pop. I would die if they brought this stuff back. People started petitions for both Surge and Josta.

Gold: Crystal Pepsi
I don't think it tasted the same as regular Pepsi, but the whole idea of this was superb.

Best Drink
Bronze: Jolt
Before energy drinks, this is what you drank to wake up. 2 times the caffeine and sugar. All the taste.

Silver: Mountain Dew
Self explanatory.

Gold: Java Chip Frappachino
Chocolate, whipped cream, chocolate chips. There's nothing better.