Saturday, February 26, 2011

Top 10 Comic Book Villians

Written December 10, 2008
In honor of batman coming out on video, I felt it would be nice to pay a tribute to all my favorite animated villians.

I don't actually read comics. All of my information comes from cartoons, movies and the web. I've included who or what they are, why they are on the list and who the main protaginst is.

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The two movie incarnations of the joker. Both are obviously gold.

Honorable mention. General Zod
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Who: Leader of Krypton's military. Chooses to enslave the earth opposed to saving it. Imprisoned into the phantom zone mirror by superman's father. Vowed to get Superman afterwards.
Why: Similiar powers to superman, the eye lasers, the flying, the strength.
Foes: Superman

10. Venom
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Who: Insane, gooey alien which needs a human host to survive. Picked Eddie Brock, a disgraced reporter who loathes his life and hates Spiderman.
Why: Shape shifter, can influence the mind of others. Extrasensory ability similar to the spider sense.
Foes: Spiderman

9. Thanos
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Who: Both a personification of death as well as the god of death from Greek Mythology.
Why: Can manipulate matter, resistant to injury, shoots beams out of his eyes, doesn't need food or air and he's very intelligent.
Foes: Silver Surfer, Odin

8. Dr. Doom
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Who: Sorcerer with superior intellect. Burned his face trying to raise his mother from the dead. Took control of a monastary and made the monks forge him
a suit of armor.
Why: Decided against killing Hitler and to conquer the world. Titanium battlesuit. Force field, molecule expander. Power over electricity.
Foes: Fantastic 4

7. Green Goblin
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Who: Harry Osborn, CEO of his own robotics/chemical firm. Used himself as a test subject for a strength enhancing serum which exploded leaving him stronger and smarter but lost his sanity.
Why: Superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and healing rate. Has his own Glider and pumpkin bombs.
Foes: Spiderman

6. Lex Luthor
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Who: Successful and corrupt businessman who owned Metropolis until Superman arrived. Eventually became the president.
Why: Mad scientist, power hungry who wants world domination. Can't seem to get arrested.
Foes: Superman

5. Sentinels
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Who: Flying robots intended to save humanity from mutants. Created from a giant master Sentinel.
Why: Sheer size. Numbers. Arm laser cannon. Electrical arm whip. They also grow smarter. In an alternate future they rule the world.
Foes: X-Men

4. Magneto
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Who: Tortured soul. Parents killed by the Nazi's, daughter killed by an angry mob. Wants for mutants to work together to destroy all humans.
Why: Has the power to control any metal. Can also create magnetic force fields and project enegy beams.
Foes: X-Men

3. Galactus
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Who: Cosmic entity who was created during the big bang. Has a never ending hunger search to destroy planets.
Why: Destroys worlds, can enslave others.
Foes: Fantastic 4, Silver Surfer

2. Mr. Sinister
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Who: Scientist eager to create mutants was transformed by Apocalypse. Wants to breed and clone stronger mutants to create a super race.
Why: Indestructible and a rapid healer. Extended life span. Telepathy. Ability to project concussive energy from his hands.
Foes: X-Men

1. Apocalypse
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Who: Wants to enslave strong mutants and weed out the weaker ones in-order to battle humans. Thousands of years old.
Why: Can grow to any height. Indestructible. Shape shifter.
Foes: X-Men

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My 10 Favorite Comedians

Written: December 14, 2008
These are my favorite stand up commedians. I am judging them solely based on their stand up, not their movies, not their TV shows.

I have included 3 of my favorite quotes for each.

10. Bill Maher
Really only half a comedian. The other half is political activist. He's really funny when he isn't completely slandering religion or republicans. His TV show has the benefit of writers, but he has other stand up which is great.
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1. Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

2. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

3. Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.


9. Daniel Tosh
Probably unheard of by most people, this guy is hilarious. His jokes are quick, witty and sarcastic. I love pretty much everything I've heard from him.
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1. If you are a Vin Dissel fan, in all fairness you shouldn't be here watching me. You should be at home coloring.

2. I don't think I could ever stab somebody. I'm really bad with a capri sun.

3. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'


8. Dave Chappelle
He probably had one of the funniest shows of all time. He inexplicably ran away to Africa, came back and did some stand up...which was also great.
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1. Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here! [whacks the microphone on the stand] Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this black guy broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

2. Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.

3. There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!


7. Jim Gaffigan
Half of his jokes are about hot pockets, which must have scarred him as a child. He has an alternate voice in which he pretends to be an audience member thinking out loud.
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1. We're all a little weird, we like to think theres someone weirder. I'm sure some of you are looking at me going 'At least I'm not as weird as Gaffigan.' And then I'm thinking 'At least I'm not as weird as those people in the looney bin.' And the people in the looney bin are going 'Well, at least I'm an orange.'

2. Ever go to IHOP? I don't know why they call it IHOP. When I leave there I don't ever feel like hopping. They should call it, I barely move.

3. My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'.


6. Ron White
My favorite of the 'Blue Collar' comedians. Lots of jokes about drinking. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't seem to have too much material. He has his own book/tv show, 5 stand up specials and 3 tv shows and between all of that every joke is probably repeated 3 times. Though when I did go to see him live it was all new.
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1. I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

2. Hey Man, if the plane runs out of fuel, how far will we make it? "All the way to the scene of the crash."

3. And as the night went on, these women laughed harder and harder, not at me, but at themselves, because apparently, the drunker a woman gets, the funnier
they find little tiny penises to be. Which is probably why I like them so much.


5. Steven Lynch
Greatest singing commedian on the planet. Has 3 albums which are all gold. He really has no boundaries to what he sings about. Every song starts off normal and sweet and then just throws something redonkoulous out of nowhere.
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1. Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will ever sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white....
I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away

2. Well it seems last night you cought me spanking it no use denying it,
I was really cranking it
so dry your eyes dont be so sad
if you could just forgive me, and talk to me, dad.

3. If I could be a superhero, would you be, Justice Guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie.
Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job.
To run off to fuckin Hawaii with some doctor named Bob.
You could skin them and drain them of all of their blood so they'd die
[under breath]
especially that mother fucker Bob. Then you would be Justice Guy


4. Jerry Seinfeld
Another one with a hilarous show. Very very good stand up. He just has the whole thing conquered.
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Jerry Seinfeld
1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

2. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

3. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."


3. Lewis Black
One of the angriest people. Everything that comes out of his mouth is just a shot at something. Mainly rants at politics but will attack anything. Has his own show now as well which isn't too bad. Very funny live.
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1. There is a starbucks sitting directly across the street from another starbucks, and ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the universe. Go there, stand between those two starbucks, look at your watch, time stands still. And what's truly amazing, if you turn and just look just at one starbucks, immediately you think you know what, when I turn around, there can't possibly be another starbucks behind me. So you turn around slowly thinking maybe theres a mcdonalds there, or possibly exon station, or even a gap but theres ANOTHER STARBUCKS!

2. Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

3. I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S COLD!


2. Rodney Dangerfield
A man full of one liners. He has more jokes than you can imagine, and they all work. His funniest stuff is the 'I get no respect' material. The movies he were in were all pretty great.
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1. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

2. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

3. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.


1. Chris Rock
He does everything, act, sing, produce, write, direct but what he is best at is stand up. I'm pretty sure he re-invented the genre. You hear his material all the time as it's all so true.
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1. Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch, Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it."

2. If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick…

3. It's hard to defend "I've got hoes in different area codes". It's hard to defend "move, bitch, get out the way"! … Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

10 Most anticipated movies of 2009 and beyond

Written: January 4th 2009

There are a ton of movies coming out in 2009 and beyond which I'm sure many people other than myself will be looking forward to. Many of them are already over hyped (Avatar, Inglorious Bastards) many of them will make money regardless (Harry Potter, Spiderman) and many of them will suck (Pink Panther 2, Ace Ventura Jr?).

What is my top 10 for 2009?

Well first I want to mention 3 of them, which could go either way.

Friday the 13th – Horror remakes are usually a bad thing. (Amityville Horror, Texas Chainsaw) But when they are done right, they are amazing. (The Haunting, Halloween)

Street Fighter: The legend of Chun Lee – I'm probably the only person on the planet who thought the first Street Fighter movie was watchable. It had many problems but I personally liked JC Van Dam and Raul Julia. One of the things they are going to correct this time is the number of characters. However, hasn't Michael Clark Duncan has ruined enough movies? (Daredevil, Whole Nine Yards, Scorpion King)

Fast and the Furious 4 – I actually had no idea there was a 3. I ignored 2 for the most part because of no Vin Diesel. I'm not much of a car fan, so there needs to be more than Paul Walker to get me interested. Well since Vin Diesel is in this one again, it may be worth watching. At least whenever it comes to TV.

Here you go Number 10:

Night at the Museum 2

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Why I want to see it: First one was good, Ben Stiller and hopefully Owen Wilson are great together. I'd love to see what they come up with this time.

Why you should avoid it: If you like a plot, I suppose you won't get one.

9. Saw 6

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Why I want to see it: I've seen all 5 of them and they still entertain me. Great Halloween movies.

Why you should avoid it: Jigsaw has been dead for 3 movies now. Replacement Killer has ZERO charisma or reason to give a crap about him.

8. Land of the Lost

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Why I want to see it: Will Ferrell is hilarious, we can see how far dinosaurs have came since Jurassic Park 3.

Why you should avoid it: I don't know if this is a funny movie. Maybe it's not supposed to be serious because if it is, the dream is dead.

7. Push

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Why I want to see it: Looks very similar to Heroes, X-Men which I love.

Why you should avoid it: Dakota Fanning has a way of focusing a movie on her when it shouldn't be

6. 2012

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Why I want to see it: Director from end of the world movies Independence Day and Day After Tomorrow is still 50/50. Should be an interesting take.

Why you should avoid it: If you saw the Day After Tomorrow you know that wolves can come on a boat in the middle of New York and ruin your movie.

5. Watchmen

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Why I want to see it: I know very little about this, but I want to see what all the hoopla is all about. I'm still hip, I'm still with it….ducka ducka ducka ducka….

Why you should avoid it: There's absolutely no reason pay money based on hype before a movie comes out. Wait till both fans and critics say it's worth seeing.

4. GI-Joe

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Why I want to see it: The director of the first two mummy movies is doing this one, both of which are awesome. Dennis Quaid and Ray Park add something unique. The cast in general sounds pretty sweet.

Why you should avoid it: Brendan Fraser though has me worried. Joseph Gordon-Levitt(3rd Rock from the Sun) may not be your Cobra Commander. Although that's what people said about Heath Ledger.

3. Terminator Salvation

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Why I want to see it: The movies have been all decent. Christian Bale will make a good John Connor.

Why you should avoid it: The TV show pretty much ruined any uniqueness the franchise may have had left. It showed how boring killer robots could be.

2. Transformers 2

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Why I want to see it: Giant robots, hopefully Devistator(please pretty please!). Megan Fox.

Why you should avoid it: Corny lines galore, lots of stupid filler.

1. Origins of Wolverine

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Why you should see it: Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, Sabertooth, and Gambit!

Why you should avoid it: It can be bad…(See X-Men 3)


And here are 10 past 2009 which will be awesome when they come out. Surprise, surprise most of these are superhero/nerd movies.

Didn't quite make the list:

Jurassic Park 4: I've liked all 3 so far so has a good chance.

A-Team: Great with the right cast.

Silver Surfer: Only if Galactus(See top ten villains, isn't a cloud this time).

Captain America: Part of the Avengers Trip, should be interesting.

Thor: Also part of the Avengers Trip, must be cast right.

Sin City 2: Really depends on where the story goes.

The Brazilian Job: I loved the Italian Job, so has a chance.

Little Fockers: I liked Meet the Parents/Fockers, so will probably see at some point.

Tekken: Great video game doesn't usually mean great movie.

Halo: Ditto I suppose, but has more of a fight in it.

Mortal Kombat 3: Well since 2 could have been a silent movie without screwing up the plot, it just has to be better.

Prince of Persia: I haven't liked what I've heard so far.

Masters of the Universe: Matrix meets Dolph Lundren?

Justice League: Also really depends on who plays Superman, Batman. If it's Bale/Routh, I'm in.

10. Castlevania

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Why it will rock: The director of Event Horizon is doing this movie, which means it could be nice and scary. The majority is supposed to be in a castle, and lots of whipping.

Why it will suck: Video game movies are usually crap, even with a story already written they somehow go against all logic and common sense. (Mario Brothers, Doom)

9. Old School 2

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Why it will rock: Same cast, if they bring the same chemistry it will be just as funny as the first.

Why it will suck: They are probably just trying to cash in on this and don't have a plot, wait the first one didn't have a plot…never mind.

8. 1776

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Why it will rock: Everyone could use a refresher on this and if it's anything like the picture, George Washington fighting King Louie on the Death Star would be the greatest.

Why it will suck: May be like the Patriot and run 3 hours long. May try to teach me something like in History class..yuck.

7. Warcraft/WOW

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Why it will rock: Anything with live action orcs is sure to be entertaining.

Why it will suck: Won't necessarily follow any event in the game. Video game movie.

6. Avengers

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Why it will rock: Having a movie come out for each character before a giant collaboration is an incredibly risky thing, but one which could be huge.

Why it will suck: Already probably sans Edward Norton, it's really going to be hard to have a good story with so many characters (see X:Men 3)

5. Iron Man 2

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Why it will rock: Robert Downey did a great job with the first. Lots of story line to proceed with.

Why it will suck: Too much hype. I think it really is going to have to take a step up from the first to not be a disappointment.

4. Superman 2

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Why it will rock: Kevin Spacey is fantastic as Lex Luthor.

Why it will suck: No more Bryan Singer who I loved, but since the first did so badly there's a chance Brandon Routh might not make it back as Superman either.

3. Spiderman 4

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Why it will rock: Same cast, Sam Rami basically can't fail with that formula.

Why it will suck: No longer character driven, last movie seemed to be too George Lucas. All the great villains are used up. Will probably have to battle Lizard.

2. Magneto Origin

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Why it will rock: If Ian Mckellen plays the older version, it will be a nice continuation. One of the coolest villains(See Villians) and powers of all time.

Why it will suck: If it doesn't get made for whatever reason. If the actor chosen is a pile of garbage.

1. The Hobbit

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Why it will rock: Again, Ian Mckellen will add something to the continuation. Peter Jackson knows his stuff.

Why it will suck: Story just isn't as good as the main trilogy. It will be good, it will just make me miss the others too much.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Super Mario Mock Elections

Written: January 11 2009

What if the characters from the Mushroom Kingdom were just a bit younger? Lets say high school and were graduating.

What if they had to do mock elections? Who would I vote for?

Some took thinking but for the most part I believe I voted for the right candidate.

Friendliest: Goomba

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Goomba is clearly the easiest being in the universe, with maybe the exception of Toad. Toad can have a temper though; the goomba just walks in one direction, waiting to be pounced on.

Nicest Smile: Wart

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Maybe that’s not a smile. Maybe he’s just yelling at the teenagers invading his home. Whatever the case, that tongue adds character.

Nicest Eyes: Thwomp

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Thwomp has those shifty ninja eyes, which are pretty sweet, especially since he’s basically a rock with a face.

Best Hair: Princess Peach

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How long does princess toadstool spend every morning on that hair? Curly, layered hair, with no split ends. Please.

Cutest Laugh: Toad

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May have the greatest voice since he sounds like a decapitated mouse. If you don’t believe me, watch the cartoon.

Teachers Pet: Donkey Kong Jr.

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Kind of obvious since he actually is a pet to Mario in that cage. It wasn’t his choice, Mario was the villain in that particular game. Basically Diddy Kong without the cap.

Best Dressed: Shy Guy


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A monk with a gasmask, how could this “guy” not be the best dressed?

Most likely to become Famous: Wario

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Wario has a lot going for him: his own castle, the whole celebrity look alike thing, wario-ware. He’s got that catch phrase(Mario Kart): “I’m a Wario, I’m a gonna win” He just needs more opportunities to kill Mario.

Most likely to go to Harvard: Koopa Troopa

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Lets face it, none of these….uhh…things in the kingdom are going to Harvard. Koopas basically have a good chance since there are so many of them and some can fly and get up after getting stomped on. Which I imagine is a lot like Harvard.

Most likely to go to the Army: Bob-omb

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He would be recruited in a snap and on the front lines even quicker. Don’t think he’s going to come home though.

Most likely to do Jailtime: Bullet Bill

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It’s not his fault, it’s just how he was raised. Ready to explode at any minute. Strangely enough, he doesn’t hurt any bad guys.

Best Leader: Mario

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Defeated Koopa, all his kids, Wario, Waluigi, Wart and all the hench men on numerous occasions with only his brother, Toad, and the princess in another castle. That takes real gahonies.

Most Trustworthy: Yoshi

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Sure he runs away sometimes, and may fall down into a pit. But the little baby Yoshi eggs will give 1-ups, and he did save baby Mario on an occasion. Bottom line, you know what you get with your little dinosaur, even if he won’t come into the castle with you.

Most likely to Succeed: Dry Bones

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Is he any more useful that a living koopa troopa…? No, he’s just as worthless. However if you were to lock him with Mario in a steel cage for 2 weeks, Dry Bones would come out the winner hands down. He just keeps getting up.

Should be in Politics: Kamek

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Magikoopa raised a great leader in Bowser, appears at random ready to attack his cause without justification, has a wand which could be used as a gavel. Just tailor-made.

Desert Island Pal: Blooper

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Would be able to grab fish or basically anything you needed from the ocean. He would be great to swim with. Wouldn’t try to eat you while you were sleeping. Might not talk that much though.

Most Creative: Tryclyde

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Wart’s fire breathing, cunning and competent lackey. A hydra is definitely unique to the mushroom kingdom.

First to get Married: Donkey Kong

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Already has a bunch of kids. A monkey ready to settle down might be all over him. Perhaps Candy Kong? No, I’m not making that up.

Social Butterfly: Boo

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The only enemy which will kill you by accident. Always turns away when you look at him. Ready to stab you in the back when the right situation arises.

First to drop out of College: Koopa Kids

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How many people who grew up in their own personal castle ever graduated from anything? Whiny and spoiled rotten kids have no shot at an education.

First to be a Millionaire: Bowser

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I think the 8 separate castles, which he can constantly rebuild speak for themselves. Not too mention the infinite number of guards and henchmen. This isn’t counting the ships, tanks, and flying craft owned.

Most Athletic: Mouser

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Quickest mofo hands down. This rat can move, throwing bombs at not the greatest speed. But what he can’t do in the shot put, he can do in the 100 meter run.

Biggest Partier: Hammer Brothers

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I think the fraternity speaks for itself. There are lots of “brothers” who don’t do anything all day except hang out and wait for the wrong Mario brother to cross them, so they can quit their drinking and throw boomerangs, hammers, fire or whatever they have laying around.

Biggest Team Player: Luigi

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Poor guy always goes second. Willing to take one for the team. Not the most popular, yet clearly no different than his famous brother.

Biggest Flirt: Lakitu

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A big tease. You can’t get rid of this guy. The first sight of him and you wet yourself…oh just me… anywho…. if you manage to get rid of Lakitu and his spikey friends he throws, he goes awa…for a little while. Then he comes raging back like he wants to play some more.

Class Whiner: Chain Chomp

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“I’m stuck to a block, and I’ll never get free” “I’d get Mario if only he didn’t walk past me every single time.” I’m pretty sure chompy chomp would be saying these things word for word.

Class Clown: Waluigi

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He hasn’t done one useful thing to my knowledge with the exception of mocking people with that crazy laugh he has. He does have an island(Mario Party 3) which tends to take out people on the circle of death.

Class Snoozer: Petey Piranha

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Might be much more effective if he wasn’t constantly napping inside that pipe of his. What else could he be doing down there. He only comes out when someone stomps on his pipe. Occasionally comes out to shoot fire. But basically the worst guard ever.

Class Troublemaker: Wiggler

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He starts out so happy and nice, like an angel. Then you do one thing bad to him like stomp on him and he goes bonkers, starts charging and causing a ruckus.

Class Wino: Birdo

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A woman who thinks she’s a man. That’s straight out of the Mario 2 handbook. I don’t know how much liquor it takes to think like that, but I’m sure its more than 15 a day.