Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Super Mario Mock Elections

Written: January 11 2009

What if the characters from the Mushroom Kingdom were just a bit younger? Lets say high school and were graduating.

What if they had to do mock elections? Who would I vote for?

Some took thinking but for the most part I believe I voted for the right candidate.

Friendliest: Goomba

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Goomba is clearly the easiest being in the universe, with maybe the exception of Toad. Toad can have a temper though; the goomba just walks in one direction, waiting to be pounced on.

Nicest Smile: Wart

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Maybe that’s not a smile. Maybe he’s just yelling at the teenagers invading his home. Whatever the case, that tongue adds character.

Nicest Eyes: Thwomp

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Thwomp has those shifty ninja eyes, which are pretty sweet, especially since he’s basically a rock with a face.

Best Hair: Princess Peach

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How long does princess toadstool spend every morning on that hair? Curly, layered hair, with no split ends. Please.

Cutest Laugh: Toad

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May have the greatest voice since he sounds like a decapitated mouse. If you don’t believe me, watch the cartoon.

Teachers Pet: Donkey Kong Jr.

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Kind of obvious since he actually is a pet to Mario in that cage. It wasn’t his choice, Mario was the villain in that particular game. Basically Diddy Kong without the cap.

Best Dressed: Shy Guy


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A monk with a gasmask, how could this “guy” not be the best dressed?

Most likely to become Famous: Wario

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Wario has a lot going for him: his own castle, the whole celebrity look alike thing, wario-ware. He’s got that catch phrase(Mario Kart): “I’m a Wario, I’m a gonna win” He just needs more opportunities to kill Mario.

Most likely to go to Harvard: Koopa Troopa

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Lets face it, none of these….uhh…things in the kingdom are going to Harvard. Koopas basically have a good chance since there are so many of them and some can fly and get up after getting stomped on. Which I imagine is a lot like Harvard.

Most likely to go to the Army: Bob-omb

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He would be recruited in a snap and on the front lines even quicker. Don’t think he’s going to come home though.

Most likely to do Jailtime: Bullet Bill

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It’s not his fault, it’s just how he was raised. Ready to explode at any minute. Strangely enough, he doesn’t hurt any bad guys.

Best Leader: Mario

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Defeated Koopa, all his kids, Wario, Waluigi, Wart and all the hench men on numerous occasions with only his brother, Toad, and the princess in another castle. That takes real gahonies.

Most Trustworthy: Yoshi

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Sure he runs away sometimes, and may fall down into a pit. But the little baby Yoshi eggs will give 1-ups, and he did save baby Mario on an occasion. Bottom line, you know what you get with your little dinosaur, even if he won’t come into the castle with you.

Most likely to Succeed: Dry Bones

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Is he any more useful that a living koopa troopa…? No, he’s just as worthless. However if you were to lock him with Mario in a steel cage for 2 weeks, Dry Bones would come out the winner hands down. He just keeps getting up.

Should be in Politics: Kamek

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Magikoopa raised a great leader in Bowser, appears at random ready to attack his cause without justification, has a wand which could be used as a gavel. Just tailor-made.

Desert Island Pal: Blooper

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Would be able to grab fish or basically anything you needed from the ocean. He would be great to swim with. Wouldn’t try to eat you while you were sleeping. Might not talk that much though.

Most Creative: Tryclyde

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Wart’s fire breathing, cunning and competent lackey. A hydra is definitely unique to the mushroom kingdom.

First to get Married: Donkey Kong

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Already has a bunch of kids. A monkey ready to settle down might be all over him. Perhaps Candy Kong? No, I’m not making that up.

Social Butterfly: Boo

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The only enemy which will kill you by accident. Always turns away when you look at him. Ready to stab you in the back when the right situation arises.

First to drop out of College: Koopa Kids

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How many people who grew up in their own personal castle ever graduated from anything? Whiny and spoiled rotten kids have no shot at an education.

First to be a Millionaire: Bowser

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I think the 8 separate castles, which he can constantly rebuild speak for themselves. Not too mention the infinite number of guards and henchmen. This isn’t counting the ships, tanks, and flying craft owned.

Most Athletic: Mouser

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Quickest mofo hands down. This rat can move, throwing bombs at not the greatest speed. But what he can’t do in the shot put, he can do in the 100 meter run.

Biggest Partier: Hammer Brothers

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I think the fraternity speaks for itself. There are lots of “brothers” who don’t do anything all day except hang out and wait for the wrong Mario brother to cross them, so they can quit their drinking and throw boomerangs, hammers, fire or whatever they have laying around.

Biggest Team Player: Luigi

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Poor guy always goes second. Willing to take one for the team. Not the most popular, yet clearly no different than his famous brother.

Biggest Flirt: Lakitu

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A big tease. You can’t get rid of this guy. The first sight of him and you wet yourself…oh just me… anywho…. if you manage to get rid of Lakitu and his spikey friends he throws, he goes awa…for a little while. Then he comes raging back like he wants to play some more.

Class Whiner: Chain Chomp

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“I’m stuck to a block, and I’ll never get free” “I’d get Mario if only he didn’t walk past me every single time.” I’m pretty sure chompy chomp would be saying these things word for word.

Class Clown: Waluigi

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He hasn’t done one useful thing to my knowledge with the exception of mocking people with that crazy laugh he has. He does have an island(Mario Party 3) which tends to take out people on the circle of death.

Class Snoozer: Petey Piranha

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Might be much more effective if he wasn’t constantly napping inside that pipe of his. What else could he be doing down there. He only comes out when someone stomps on his pipe. Occasionally comes out to shoot fire. But basically the worst guard ever.

Class Troublemaker: Wiggler

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He starts out so happy and nice, like an angel. Then you do one thing bad to him like stomp on him and he goes bonkers, starts charging and causing a ruckus.

Class Wino: Birdo

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A woman who thinks she’s a man. That’s straight out of the Mario 2 handbook. I don’t know how much liquor it takes to think like that, but I’m sure its more than 15 a day.

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