Written: December 14, 2008
These are my favorite stand up commedians. I am judging them solely based on their stand up, not their movies, not their TV shows.
I have included 3 of my favorite quotes for each.
10. Bill Maher
Really only half a comedian. The other half is political activist. He's really funny when he isn't completely slandering religion or republicans. His TV show has the benefit of writers, but he has other stand up which is great.
1. Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
2. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
3. Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
9. Daniel Tosh
Probably unheard of by most people, this guy is hilarious. His jokes are quick, witty and sarcastic. I love pretty much everything I've heard from him.
1. If you are a Vin Dissel fan, in all fairness you shouldn't be here watching me. You should be at home coloring.
2. I don't think I could ever stab somebody. I'm really bad with a capri sun.
3. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'
8. Dave Chappelle
He probably had one of the funniest shows of all time. He inexplicably ran away to Africa, came back and did some stand up...which was also great.
1. Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here! [whacks the microphone on the stand] Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this black guy broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
2. Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
3. There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!
7. Jim Gaffigan
Half of his jokes are about hot pockets, which must have scarred him as a child. He has an alternate voice in which he pretends to be an audience member thinking out loud.
1. We're all a little weird, we like to think theres someone weirder. I'm sure some of you are looking at me going 'At least I'm not as weird as Gaffigan.' And then I'm thinking 'At least I'm not as weird as those people in the looney bin.' And the people in the looney bin are going 'Well, at least I'm an orange.'
2. Ever go to IHOP? I don't know why they call it IHOP. When I leave there I don't ever feel like hopping. They should call it, I barely move.
3. My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'.
6. Ron White
My favorite of the 'Blue Collar' comedians. Lots of jokes about drinking. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't seem to have too much material. He has his own book/tv show, 5 stand up specials and 3 tv shows and between all of that every joke is probably repeated 3 times. Though when I did go to see him live it was all new.
1. I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
2. Hey Man, if the plane runs out of fuel, how far will we make it? "All the way to the scene of the crash."
3. And as the night went on, these women laughed harder and harder, not at me, but at themselves, because apparently, the drunker a woman gets, the funnier
they find little tiny penises to be. Which is probably why I like them so much.
5. Steven Lynch
Greatest singing commedian on the planet. Has 3 albums which are all gold. He really has no boundaries to what he sings about. Every song starts off normal and sweet and then just throws something redonkoulous out of nowhere.
1. Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will ever sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white....
I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away
2. Well it seems last night you cought me spanking it no use denying it,
I was really cranking it
so dry your eyes dont be so sad
if you could just forgive me, and talk to me, dad.
3. If I could be a superhero, would you be, Justice Guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie.
Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job.
To run off to fuckin Hawaii with some doctor named Bob.
You could skin them and drain them of all of their blood so they'd die
[under breath]
especially that mother fucker Bob. Then you would be Justice Guy
4. Jerry Seinfeld
Another one with a hilarous show. Very very good stand up. He just has the whole thing conquered.
Jerry Seinfeld
1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
2. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
3. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
3. Lewis Black
One of the angriest people. Everything that comes out of his mouth is just a shot at something. Mainly rants at politics but will attack anything. Has his own show now as well which isn't too bad. Very funny live.
1. There is a starbucks sitting directly across the street from another starbucks, and ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the universe. Go there, stand between those two starbucks, look at your watch, time stands still. And what's truly amazing, if you turn and just look just at one starbucks, immediately you think you know what, when I turn around, there can't possibly be another starbucks behind me. So you turn around slowly thinking maybe theres a mcdonalds there, or possibly exon station, or even a gap but theres ANOTHER STARBUCKS!
2. Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!
3. I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S COLD!
2. Rodney Dangerfield
A man full of one liners. He has more jokes than you can imagine, and they all work. His funniest stuff is the 'I get no respect' material. The movies he were in were all pretty great.
1. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
2. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
3. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
1. Chris Rock
He does everything, act, sing, produce, write, direct but what he is best at is stand up. I'm pretty sure he re-invented the genre. You hear his material all the time as it's all so true.
1. Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch, Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it."
2. If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick…
3. It's hard to defend "I've got hoes in different area codes". It's hard to defend "move, bitch, get out the way"! … Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!
These are my favorite stand up commedians. I am judging them solely based on their stand up, not their movies, not their TV shows.
I have included 3 of my favorite quotes for each.
10. Bill Maher
Really only half a comedian. The other half is political activist. He's really funny when he isn't completely slandering religion or republicans. His TV show has the benefit of writers, but he has other stand up which is great.
1. Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
2. Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
3. Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
9. Daniel Tosh
Probably unheard of by most people, this guy is hilarious. His jokes are quick, witty and sarcastic. I love pretty much everything I've heard from him.
1. If you are a Vin Dissel fan, in all fairness you shouldn't be here watching me. You should be at home coloring.
2. I don't think I could ever stab somebody. I'm really bad with a capri sun.
3. Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'
8. Dave Chappelle
He probably had one of the funniest shows of all time. He inexplicably ran away to Africa, came back and did some stand up...which was also great.
1. Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here! [whacks the microphone on the stand] Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this black guy broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.
2. Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
3. There's times to be real, and there's times to be phony. That's right, I said it, phony! You think I'm this nice in real life? Fuck that, son! That's just cause I'm on TV. I'd pull my balls out right now... skeet skeet skeet skeet!
7. Jim Gaffigan
Half of his jokes are about hot pockets, which must have scarred him as a child. He has an alternate voice in which he pretends to be an audience member thinking out loud.
1. We're all a little weird, we like to think theres someone weirder. I'm sure some of you are looking at me going 'At least I'm not as weird as Gaffigan.' And then I'm thinking 'At least I'm not as weird as those people in the looney bin.' And the people in the looney bin are going 'Well, at least I'm an orange.'
2. Ever go to IHOP? I don't know why they call it IHOP. When I leave there I don't ever feel like hopping. They should call it, I barely move.
3. My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'.
6. Ron White
My favorite of the 'Blue Collar' comedians. Lots of jokes about drinking. My biggest complaint is that he doesn't seem to have too much material. He has his own book/tv show, 5 stand up specials and 3 tv shows and between all of that every joke is probably repeated 3 times. Though when I did go to see him live it was all new.
1. I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
2. Hey Man, if the plane runs out of fuel, how far will we make it? "All the way to the scene of the crash."
3. And as the night went on, these women laughed harder and harder, not at me, but at themselves, because apparently, the drunker a woman gets, the funnier
they find little tiny penises to be. Which is probably why I like them so much.
5. Steven Lynch
Greatest singing commedian on the planet. Has 3 albums which are all gold. He really has no boundaries to what he sings about. Every song starts off normal and sweet and then just throws something redonkoulous out of nowhere.
1. Have a seat and listen, please don't say a thing
The matters of the heart sometimes, the truth will ever sting
Just don't take it personally, this is no attack
But we will never last because I am white and you are...also white....
I only like black girls the brown girls, the café au lait
Caramel girls, and mocca girls just blow me away
2. Well it seems last night you cought me spanking it no use denying it,
I was really cranking it
so dry your eyes dont be so sad
if you could just forgive me, and talk to me, dad.
3. If I could be a superhero, would you be, Justice Guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve, especially women who lie.
Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job.
To run off to fuckin Hawaii with some doctor named Bob.
You could skin them and drain them of all of their blood so they'd die
[under breath]
especially that mother fucker Bob. Then you would be Justice Guy
4. Jerry Seinfeld
Another one with a hilarous show. Very very good stand up. He just has the whole thing conquered.
Jerry Seinfeld
1. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
2. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
3. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
3. Lewis Black
One of the angriest people. Everything that comes out of his mouth is just a shot at something. Mainly rants at politics but will attack anything. Has his own show now as well which isn't too bad. Very funny live.
1. There is a starbucks sitting directly across the street from another starbucks, and ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the universe. Go there, stand between those two starbucks, look at your watch, time stands still. And what's truly amazing, if you turn and just look just at one starbucks, immediately you think you know what, when I turn around, there can't possibly be another starbucks behind me. So you turn around slowly thinking maybe theres a mcdonalds there, or possibly exon station, or even a gap but theres ANOTHER STARBUCKS!
2. Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!
3. I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S COLD!
2. Rodney Dangerfield
A man full of one liners. He has more jokes than you can imagine, and they all work. His funniest stuff is the 'I get no respect' material. The movies he were in were all pretty great.
1. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
2. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
3. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
1. Chris Rock
He does everything, act, sing, produce, write, direct but what he is best at is stand up. I'm pretty sure he re-invented the genre. You hear his material all the time as it's all so true.
1. Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch, Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it."
2. If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick…
3. It's hard to defend "I've got hoes in different area codes". It's hard to defend "move, bitch, get out the way"! … Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!
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