Monday, April 18, 2011

Breaking Down Top Gun

retro Sep 24 2008

This post has been editted from it's original version. Too bad!

The best movie about jets and jet pilots is also the only one i've ever watch.

My 10 favorite (innuendo) lines:

Bullshit ten minutes! This thing will be over in two minutes - get on it!

Move your ass get up here! I'm engaged!

lets turn and burn!

He's going vertical, then so am I!

Splash that sucker, yeah!

I want somebody's butt, I want it now, I've had it!

I was invaded!

Hard deck my ass, we nailed that son of a bitch!

there's two O's in Goose boys!

God it that's twice, I want some BUTTS!!!

Top gun

The Enemy(looks like a combination of Russia and Iraq) They basically show up in the beginning and end to make poor Mavericks life hell. Darn those (commie?) bastards.

enemies defeated: 2 - Hollywood + Wolfman

enemies scared away: 1 - made Cougar feel like little orphan annie

times defeated: quite a bunch

words spoken: 0 - but I'm sure they would swear in their bizarro language: Kis em ick Shluha vokzal'naja which I can't translate

bogey 2

bogey 1

Commander Stinger
Happy on Tabbacy. Always up Mavericks…ear to tell him how disappointing his family is. Sent Nick Bradshaw to top gun where he died.

Cool Quote(tie): you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong!

your ego is writing checks your body can't cash

Innuendo: Do not fire until fired upon

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: everyone he comes in contact with

times defeated: 0

cigar's smoked: 3+

stinger 2

stinger 1

Maverick – Pete Mitchell

Banging his teacher. Your hero and mine, Tom Cruise didn't need to be coaxed out of the closet. He left the building making this movie. He just wants to be the best of the best but keeps ignoring all common sense. His only one true mistake was letting Iceman cut him off on the freeway leading Nick Bradshaw to his death while ejecting into the door.

Best Quote(tie): That son of a bitch cut me off!

Hey Slider... you stink

Innuendo: You can be mine.(Iceman)

enemies defeated: 4

enemies scared away: 3

times defeated: 2

times scared away: 1 - what a quitter…oooh my best friend died

maverick 1

maverick 2

Goose – Nick Bradshaw

His only mistake was becoming friends with that Pete Mitchell in the first place. He did leave a horny Meg Ryan behind and a boy who I can only assume will grow up wanting revenge on Maverick in Top Gun 2.

Best Quote: (I feel the need) the need for speed!

Innuendo(tie): between your legs Mav.

I hate it when it does that, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

enemies defeated: 1

enemies scared away: 2

times defeated: 2

times scared away: 0

died: 1 – stupid jetwash/Iceman

goose 1

goose 2

Iceman – Tom Kazansky

Flies ice cold, no mistakes. Except that one time he was 10 feet from his enemy plane but needed a half minute to target which led to the killing of Nick Bradshaw. His plane did get shot a whole bunch but that didn't stop him.

Cool Quote: I don't like you because you're dangerous.

Innuendo: You up for this one, Maverick?

enemies defeated: 2 - Goose was in his way for one

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 1 – so much for Ice Cold, had to take out his own plane

handled 5 enemies by himself: 1

iceman 1

iceman 2

Slider – Ron Kerner

Constantly behind Val Kilmer. He was the big dumb jock that I wouldn't trust to ride my lawn mower. But in a plane, kept Iceman alive. Didn't say much when Nick Bradshaw was floating to his death. Almost like he wanted it to happen.

Best Quote: Crashed and burned!

Innuendo: My Johnson is long but distinguished

enemies defeated: 1

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 1

times scared away: 0

gay volleyball matches: 1

slider 1

slider 2

Hollywood – Rick Neven

Maverick wouldn't be caught dead flying with this guy. Which is why he didn't and Mav got blown away anyway. Hollywood is the only hero to have got hit by a missile. That doesn't bode well for Ricky. Or the Chocolate River.

Best Quote: Hell no, man. We got our butts kicked.

Innuendo: Don't tease me.

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 2 – We know what it's like to be winless in Detroit

times scared away: 0

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hollywood 2

Wolfman - Leonard Wolfe

Constantly talking about his penis. Sounded like he flew with it. Don't know how you can do that except with a "pen is mightier".

Cool Quote:We went like this, he went like that. I said to Hollywood, "Where'd he go?" Hollywood says, "Where'd who go?"

Innuendo: This gives me a hard on.

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 2

times scared away: 0

taddle-tailed: 1 – boo hoo Maverick quit

wolfman 1

wolfman 2

Charlie – Pete's Girlfriend – Charlotte Blackwood

Just like a teacher nailing her student, didn't want anyone to know. Except everyone already knew. At least they were only 5 years apart.Cool Quote: You're a good Pilot? Then I won't have to worry about you making your living as a singer.

Innuendo: know the finger goose

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 1 - berated her man's flying

times defeated: 1 – by his enormous....ego

times scared away: 1 – got a new job, can't keep a woman happy

got laid: 1+

Charlie 1

Charlie 2

Goose's Wife(Widow…awww) - Carol Bradshaw

Such a mouth in front of her child. I can't imagine how much consoling I would need if I heard my mom say to my dad what this winner of the system was saying to her ole hubby Nick Bradshaw.

Catch 22: Take me to bed or lose me forever.

Innuendo: But he would've done it anyway... without you. He'd have hated it, but he would've done it.

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 1 – the life insurance company..cheese cheese cheese

times defeated - 1 she must have felt icemans wrath

times scared away: 0

got laid: 1+ they have a kid...

Goose's Wife 1

Goose's Wife 2

Cougar - Bill Cortell

Whiny pilot who quits cause he misses his family. Pussy. Maverick doesn't land his plane low on gas and goes to help Cougar land. What would have been a better beginning is if Ole Pete just shot Bill's plane down right there.

Cool Quote: Got dammit mustang!

Innuendo: This asshole's all over me.

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 0

times scared away: 1 - I haven't saw my family wahh

wet himself: 1

Cougar 1

Cougar 2

Merlin - Sam Wells

Constantly had to deal with Cougar and Maverick's bitching. He would have been a kick ass reel to Viper. No one seemed to like him outside of a plane.

Cool Quote: Excuse me is there something I should know about?

Innuendo: You're gonna do WHAT?

enemies defeated: 3

enemies scared away: 1

times defeated: 0

times had to convince pilot they were retarted: 2

merlin 1

merlin 2

Sundown – Clarence Gilyard

Basically useless in the movie except to piss off ole Petey boy. But that sure wasn't hard to do after Nick Bradshaw died. Could he have killed Goose to get to sit with a winner? Mave was in second place at the time. This man would have stabbed his own mother to get a trophy.

Cool Quote: Hey where the hell are you going?

Innuendo: We could have had him.

enemies defeated: 0

enemies scared away: 0

times defeated: 1

times scared away: 1 - got his ass reamed for having a mouth

sundown 1

sundown 2

Jester – Rick Heatherly

Maverick's arch Nemises. Except Iceman, Sundown, Slider, Goose who all I guess Mav had it in for. Constantly barking out orders taking over Stingers job for most of the movie. They never show the enemy that Iceman can't lock on to. Jester should have been that pilot because then Jester wouldn't be in that predicament.

Cool Quote: Bingo Maverick's dead.

Innuendo: You and Goose get your butts back.

enemies defeated: 1

pilots scared away: 1 - me, I wouldn't want to fly with this guy

times defeated: 1 – only by cheating

times yelled at poor Petey: 6+

jester 1

jester 2

Viper – Mike Metcalf

The king commander cool himself. Goose is dead, you got to let him go. Who says that one minute after your friend dies. I'll tell you who..Satan.

Cool Quote: Now I'm not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass

Innuendo: They are not flexible, nor am I

Damn, this kids good

enemies defeated: 1

enemies scared away: all of them

times defeated: 0 - you can't defeat him

times scared away: 0 – are you kidding

viper 1

viper 2

So in conclusion it was all a conspiracy by every one of them to kill little Goose.

Screw Flanders.

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